A reader wonders how to deal with a grandparent who is overly generous.
Question: About How to Deal with a Generous Grandmother
How have you dealt with extended family giving gifts to your children?
A good friend of mine has a struggle with her mother-in-law giving expensive presents to her son.
My friend and her husband are on a budget and they want to teach their son that Christmas isn’t about presents but about traditions, family, and charity. But this is difficult with a grandmother who wants to indulge their son.
We sense this problem too. We live in a world where children grow up thinking that stuff equals love; and the more stuff, the more you’re loved. We’re all trying to break that cycle with our kids. What do you think?.
Helping Grandparents to be Reasonable in their Generosity
Indulging kids can create a vicious cycle of discontentment.
We would suggest that your friend asks her mother-in-law to buy something like a zoo or science museum membership for a year.
Suggest Gift Memberships
Explaining that they currently can’t go often because admission fees are costly, and this would provide their son with great learning experiences and create some awesome family memories (grandma could come too!).
Gifts of Lessons or Sports Fees
Another option would be to ask the mother-in-law to write a personalized gift certificate that offers to pay for music or dance lessons or that cover sports fees for the grandson.
Simple or Disappearing Gifts
A final idea would be to suggest to the grandparents that the child has plenty of toys already, so if they could buy him something small like a Christmas ornament, or a disappearing gift such as a couple of his favorite snack foods.
And with the difference in cost they could buy a savings bond that would be and put toward his college education, the gift would last much longer. Or an investment in a 529 plan could be an option.
Other suggestions from parents we know include:
- Purchase things the child loves, but keep them at grandma’s house.
- Contributions to private school tuition or a college fund.
- Limit purchases to only one toy or clothing item each month, instead of every time she sees her grandson. (Consider every other month if you still think it would be too much.)
- Save craft supplies. Saving things like boxes, ribbon spools, toilet paper rolls, pipe cleaners, and popsicle sticks. They can all be used for craft projects done with your child.
- Set aside money for outdoor play equipment that would be installed in your backyard.
- Take your child to the library once a week for story time and book check-outs.
- Buy a subscription to the Science Center in your community.
Working through issues with extended family early-on can set the stage for enjoyable holidays for many years to come.
Can Grandma or Grandpa entitle their Grandchildren?
Can Grandma or Grandpa spoil their grandchildren too much? You bet they can. It is always best for grandparents to check with their children before showering their grandchildren with too many or too extravagant gifts. Ask the grandchildren to provide you with reasonable wish lists. Of course there are so many factors that play into this.
Grandparents Giving Gifts with Strings Attached
There are grandparents that use every occasion to give gifts with strings attached. Some grandparents are not emotionally healthy, and they want you to stay dependent on them emotionally and financially. Be very careful of this. You can choose to receive their presents, but handing them a wish list will give you a better chance of receiving something that you can really use.
Read more information about breaking the dysfunctional patterns in your family to get to a healthy emotional place. Many of us grow up in dysfunctional homes not even realizing they are dysfunctional because when you grow up with something, it seems normal. Just because something is familiar, doesn’t mean it is healthy.
Here are some scenario’s that grandparents could encounter.
Scenario one – The kids are well off and can buy whatever they want for their kids. In this case see all the suggestions above and work to buy experiences that you can share together to make memories. Or buy grandchildren something that the parents wouldn’t think of like awesome books, movie biographies or a very meaningful collection your can add to each year.
Scenario two – The kids are struggling financially, but are trying to make the best decisions they can with their money. Therefore, Christmas in the home of the grandchildren can provide for their needs, but very few of their wants. In this case, ask for that wish list and try to buy a few things that the grandkids would really like, within your budget. You can also buy some practical things that they might need but not have the budget for.
Scenario three – Your kids are struggling financially, but are making bad money decisions and/ or their financial priorities are really screwed up. In this case, buy things they would really need, but also some of their “wants” as well. Just choose carefully. We knew one family where the kids were financially struggling so badly, that many presents given were hocked for money to buy gaming equipment. Gift cards were also sold at a loss as well.
Give very practical things like a box of food, a bag of cleaning supplies, a bag of personal care toiletries and clothing that they will love. Maybe even some food that are treats, or homemade baked goods.
How Should Kids Respond to Their Parents Who Want to Control with Gifts?
We can’t emphasize how important it is for you to give your parents a wish list for your family. You can put museum memberships on there, as well as zoo memberships, aquarium memberships, or a wildlife center. Also as we said above, if your parents are well off, ask for lessons for the kids. Things like music lessons, skating lessons, athletic lessons of some sort. You can even ask for Tutoring sessions if one of your kids is struggling in a certain area.
As we also said before, experiences are also tremendous.
Hope this leads to a happy, family-centered holiday season.